an open letter

Dear People of Indonesia,

Thank you for your ongoing interest in me. There is nothing so welcoming as to be unable to eat a meal, read a book, or walk down a street without interrupting your laughter. I must have amazing timing or you must be a people always joking around, and though I sometimes feel left out, I can always tell from the outside that someone hit a good one.

One thing that I must protest is the constantly taking my picture in public. Yes, you two tables over, I realize that you have been shooting pictures of me throughout my dinner. Yes, teenager across the street, I can see you and your friends documenting my cup of coffee. In the future you might consider bickering and pushing at each other less in order to escape detection--the game was up long before your friend fell into the gutter as his end of the camera strap broke. Yes, person ‘just sending a text message’ with your phone perpendicular to the ground and two feet from my face, I have penetrated your fortress of stealthiness. Yes, person inexplicably jostling up against me on the ferry and giving what I am sure passes for a ‘gang symbol,’ I can see your elph-toting compatriot hiding behind those deck chairs.

I know all your friends will be impressed with this specimen of a white person that you ‘know,’ but I really need a break: I feel unpretty, skinny, and sweaty. I understand that there are few of us roaming the wild, and who knows when the next opportunity to bag one might come, but please, put away the glass for a moment. Yes, my skin, it is mesmerizing, something so aspirational that I too would apply toxic things to my person twice a day if I wasn’t so lucky. It is a shame that I even have to go out of doors for food and work, otherwise I could better preserve myself for our special photographic moment. For this I apologize.

No? Well, thanks for introducing yourself; it was great to meet you. Enjoy the souvenirs of all those crazy times we had together.

Sincerely,
Matthew Busch

ed note: everyone say it with me now, "Saatirre"