Jakarta – Last week Indonesia’s Minister of Energy and Mineral Resources Purnomo Yusgiantoro announced during lunchtime remarks at the Jakarta Foreign Correspondent’s Club plans to leave the cartel and social committee of oil exporting nations. Purnomo unveiled the move to the gathered jeering and giggling Australian journalists as a footnote in a broader speech concerning recent cuts in fuel price subsidies.
However, the Minister did not give the bombshell short shrift, explaining the arduous process and hours of ministerial (and even sub-ministerial) meetings that undoubtedly vetted the plan. “Indonesia, you see, does not really export so much oil anymore. And, as you may not know, that is an essential part of the acronym. We are an oil-consuming nation and we must embrace out identity. OPEC, the past 45 years have been something special, just a couple of crazy governments trying to make it honest.” The Minister went on to add that the 2 million euro yearly membership fee will represent “a substantial savings to our government.”
Indeed, the membership fee, which also carries access to all of the lush facilities that the cartel’s clubhouse offers—squash courts, mahogany-accented locker room, shuffle board, spa, and a wedding hall—along with two ticket’s to the cartel’s annual “An Evening to Remember: Historical Tyrants in Love” dinner ball, was a sticking point for the Minister. “We all learned when Ecuador [snigger] withdrew from OPEC, that is before they came crawling back, that membership fees are non-refundable, ha ha! What is wrong, did you get tired of only running into Gabon at the prime rib station? They looked so silly! Therefore, though I tell you today that Indonesia will leave OPEC, we will not do so until 2009; in the interim continue make use of the steam room and crude emulsification treatments thrice weekly.”
As a buzz went through the room, the Minister resolutely declared, “Indonesia does not care if things will be awkward in the locker room with Iran and Qatar, we will continue to take full advantage of what is our right to healthy living and a relaxed lifestyle!”
Later, under heavy questioning from the assembled spawn of convicts and profiteers, Purnomo’s assertion of “Who knows all the things we may be able to do with those 2 million euros?” eventually cracked. Instead, the clearly humbled veteran of 3 presidential administrations looked unusually shaken.
“It is true, Indonesia was dared by Venezuela to leave the OPEC, and we all at the Ministry figured that a place with such a crazy name could not really exist. We thought those brigands from Nigeria were trying to have their fun with Indonesia! Venezuela? Who knew? Next you will tell me there is a Timbuktu!”
Reaction within the cartel, notorious for its secrecy, has been muted, however Kuwait noted, “Sure, we all made fun of Indonesia during the turban-tying component of the cartel decathlon, but my heart is saddened to think of entering the three-legged race without Indonesia. Have you ever looked at a map? Try the 16,999-legged race.” Saudi Arabia kept a stiffer lip, pointing out that Indonesia’s production of militant Islamists in recent years was, “nothing to write home about.”
The announcement has sent veteran Indonesia watchers into a tailspin, with many seeing it as part of a new, reverse-jinx foreign policy that seeks to extricate the nation of 270 million from membership in the world’s most influential organizations. With OPEC down, many expect that an announcement concerning the UN, where Indonesia holds a temporary seat on the Security Council, is imminent.
